Feburary and its long dark days.

This last year has been a tried and true coming of age tale. One with ups so high the fear of falling was almost unbearable and Lows so tragicly heartstopping it seemed the world had come apart at the seams. Just in time to swallow up all the endless wandering and whistful thinking.

In this turbulent time is it possible to live in complete happiness? Or is the theory of living in complete happiness just that. A theory, never proven, sold to us like dollar popcorn on the side of every street corner.

After leaving my so dreary and everyday life of sewing, socializing, sewing some more, working by day as a computer tech and working tirelessly at my failing realationship. Traveling the world in search of answers to my questions, in search of my soul and self again. Opening my eyes to all the world had to bestow on me and being changed into an all absorbing open eyed being. Conscience of the world, the people, and the places that have now changed my being completely.

What to do now? Back in the states with open arms and mind, wishing for the best only to have the dreary social standards of every day living beat me back into submission. This is no way to live.

On a beach, in the sand. I met a man, he was my world and in it we traveled. From port to port, beach to beach, hotel room to hotel room. Each new and exciting our home for a week sometimes two. Moving through our lives together, happy and complete. Only to return home together to discover that our lives bulit on movement could not survive the normal. The mundane, the solid atmospheres of San Francisco, and the social necessities of urban life.
Three months of living together proved to annoy me beyond belief, little things that drove me insane now seem so trival. How is it that this dream is so tangible one minute, and then so far out of reach the next? How can two people who love each other, stand together and be so far apart? Why can people not change and stay changed with each other?

After three months, of barely getting used to each other. He packed his things, he started the truck and he left me. So once again I sit....here by the dock of the bay. Alone. In a city full of strangers, all looking for the unobtainable. Once again with so many questions and not an answer in sight.