Backtracking Updates from afar: Dodgeball

Thursday, May 4th, 2006
11:15 am
Dodgeball
lately I've been doing a lot of thinking as usual. I think about him I think about her I think about her and him together. It leaves me feeling like the last one picked for doge ball back in 4th grade. Alone in the street under a fading lamp light with no where to go and no one who understands. I know things are not perfect for them I know he hurts too I can see it in his eyes when he stares. I can see it in the quickened steps towards the door and the empty fall behind words that come out in blurts and obscure phrases. I feel like Ill never be okay but I guess I '''ve always felt that way. I sew patches, beads and sequins on pieces and each stitch takes me farther from where Ive been and on towards the unknown horizon I call the future. Where do I go from here? What on earth now?
She calls from south africa. He calls from north county. They both tell me they love me they miss me and need me. I can hear her excitement through the phone as she tells me about india and brazil the smells and textures of other countries far away..I tell her about my show and the new clothes. I feel like an alien on another planet she's been gone so long... While Im still here trudging on through the fog into another week month year.Hustling clothes and my dreams to the highest bidder. I picture her smiling drink in hand twirling for me in the dim bar light as she tells me she wants to take me away to travel with her when she gets back....I wish I could believe that this was real. I know Im a phase I know Im not real for her and when she gets back things will be the same, her traveling schooling and twirling there just outta my reach while I toil away in this cement cage day after day.If she were here she would look at me and tell me things where going to be better and because Im a fool I would look at her and belive. I would let her beauty and intelligence lull me into dull warm comfortablitiy untill she left me .
He says he's busy and tells me I live an hour away like I don't know where I live. Like I don't feel alone every second of every day here. I hear the silence I feel the unknown once again creeping up like swamp water ready to rush in and drown the sad little seedling I've had the courage to plant once again.My one hope for happieness in this dark seemingly endless abyss of torture. My torn apart heart beats on a shell of what it used to be pieces missing parts barely hanging. Dead rose petals hold it together waiting for a hard gust of wind to blow them away so it can fall apart again. I wonder how much longer I can take this? will we both become bored and insensitive to each other? Will this last through the distance rain and long telephone silences? You could say Im dooming an otherwise okay situation by wondering but I say why waste any more time on something worthless. He doesn't understand me yet he may not ever the silence on the phone line tells me he's not even trying. I let my eyes wander to my tea mug I watch the steam rise up and curl around my fingers. I ''ve lost the ability to give myself freely I have the invisible strings tied to my arms and warm parts that are tied to various people I've chosen to let in sent's noises and expressions set off invisible tremors on the wires and I close the door run and hide under the covers and hope that no one will find me. A frightened girl marionette with a painted on smile and interesting dress. Hard like wood on the outside to conceal the dark cold empty insides filled with cobwebs and sawdust. I watch you becoming smaller in the rearview. Im scared of the damage I've done and the damage thats been done to me. I try to hide it the best I can I wonder if he can see? The ones I love are scattered to the ends of the earth....I sit here alone its cold and wet outside and i feel the damp sting of whats been done rotting deep inside my being. Your not coming back...we ruined it....we didnt even try. We got caught up in the spin the drugs the alchohol and the dream was forgotten. There never was an us your right we never gave it a chance.Youre in love with her now I guess and for some reason I still cry. I ponder suicide and think of a time when you wont know me and I wont remember you. I wish that time was now How I wish that time was now.
Everything is moving to fast...and all at once. Im sick of it all...this distance between the ones I love is killing me but is probably the best thing for me right now. I fear my toxic self will contaiminate anyone I come in contact with. Is it possible to fall apart and put yourself back together exactly the same or do you lose a little each time do the pieces fit just a tad bit oddly the second or third time around or was that the way you were meant to be to begin with and its all just the fine tuning?
She loves you but isn't In love with you fool...He loves you but doesn't even know you you ll get bored...he's with her and she's disgusting. I stand here alone under this fading street light .....thinking theres got to be something wrong with my soul>