Friday, April 21st, 2006
11:34 am
Hurt
Sometimes I get really tired. Tired of work tired of home tired of everything in general all at once.I mostly get tired of plastering on a silly face and parading around making everyone happy. Ive been dumped by my ex for my so called best friend.Untill a few days ago I was pretty much okay with it...or so I thought. Happy smiling face stuck on my head dancing from one party to the next never caring or pretending not to anyway.Think of him only randomly and always missing and idolizing him for some reason. Its great when someone isnt around you can put them up on this invisible petestal and never see them so it never matters what they really do. You have all these great memories to think about,pine over, and then when the person actually shows up to rear thier ugly head again you realize just how stupid and fucked up they still are. Thus dragging you back down into a spiral of fucked up shit.
She writes about how happy they are now ....kisses after the shower taking snoboarding trips n all the fucked up broken promises come back up..tears well up in my eyes. As I think about the last few nights hes been sleeping in my bed.(I stupidly slept with him again as well just furthering the problem.) She doesnt know and he will play the stupid high school games he always does.Telling her Im talking shit about her so she wont contact me and me I sit here and agree not to tell her because I want him back and I dont want any trouble. Even if I did tell her Im sure he would say it was my doing..thus leaving me to be the bad guy which they both think Im really good at playing.
So after reading the our realationship is so great post I think about how he still is cheating and still has no self control still is lazy and drunk and addicted so why then when I came home and his bag was gone did I feel so damn lonley?Im wishing I had a boyfriend back who took every opportunity to fuck me over and make me feel like shit.Why does the human mind do things like this? Isnt life fucked up enough?
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