Backtracking Updates from afar: Jump In

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
12:58 pm
Jump In
Surrounded by the hummm of the city. Everyday a blur, every second a miliminute in a symphony.
I may appear unfazed by the day to day but occasionally when Im feeling especially vulnerable and receptive to peoples weirdness I take a minute to stand back and be sensitive.
Sometimes I walk away from my moments of reflection with a warm sense of self and a new love for everything earthly. More often than that however I walk away with a cold shiver and a new hatred for all that is human error. Stupidity,insensitivity,and self absorbency are king in a society where real feelings show cowardice and true love doesn't exist. What happened to my Clark gable? Dancing and dinner dates in the moonlight. Long stares into each others eyes and conversations with hidden meanings on rooftops?
I've been tricked....led to believe that his person or thing exists...when really they dont. So I say then...give me a spanish beach alone with a sunset and a cocktail. If by some chance something or someone real happens by while Im sitting there it would be amazingly coincidental magical and totally unbelievable.
Sometimes you lose something you cant replace .... you feel so tired, but you cant sleep...the tears wont stop and it s not just any embrace you crave. When you love someone but it goes to waste. It couldn't be worse dont think It could be any worse. Being too in love to let it go....Im left with an overwhelming sense of get the fuck outta here don't look back don't ever wonder what could've happened if Id stayed. Live out my days running from the pieces of a broken and scattered heart, chasing sunburns and never looking back. Wondering if Ill ever be okay or socially except-able, lovable and understood? My cocktail glass even lies to me these days. . . . . .did I drive you away? Ill never know. I promise you this Ill always look out for you...love you from afar, not know how to say what I mean, misinterpret all the things you say and wish Id done everything differently. As dawn creeps up to tell me Im up to late once again I say jump the fuck in if your going to already I cant sit on the diving board forever....and the deep end looks like a great place to sink to the bottom of.