Backtracking Updates from afar: Close A Door...Open A window

Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
11:55 am
Close A Door...Open A window
Standing alone in a room I once shared with someone I thought was the love of my life. 4-am rolls around and there's nothing more to be done. The windows stand bare...the walls white and stark the garbage bag is full of the leftovers. I watch the car headlights play on the walls like a silent movie. I think of all the times we shared before things went wrong..if I strain my ears I swear I can hear music and laughter echoing through the vacant room.

I tear down the posters and pack away all the memories you gave me pushing them into the basement and outta my sight. Your face the music laughter and furniture vaporize into thin air it seems I sweep up the last scraps off the floor...flyers,glitter,barrettes tooters,empty baggies,bottle caps.... spare change...thats all thats left of a life I once had. I find myself tiding up your messes tying up the loose ends for the last time and I am overwhelmed by a "I told you so" feeling. Nothing can make this moment any easier it seems I've been dreading it all day.

Thinking about us has become something in the last year I've trained myself not to do. Standing in front of the window staring out into the night...my mind wanders to you sleeping somewhere perhaps? or maybe up on a binge causing havoc and breathing fire? No longer my concern and I hope with all my heart finding the happiness I could not give your tormented soul. There are no tears left there is no hurt to take away these days...I let you go months ago on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean my broken heart has healed and gone on beating despite all of the craziness. I think of ending and new beginings, I smile and dust myself off.
I think about the new couple coming to make their own memories in this room...never knowing the past never scratching the surface of the events that have transpired within these walls.

My cat wanders in to check on me at the window.He sits on my foot for a minute and as if to say "its time to go" he meows at me and gives a long stare. He follows behind as I take the long empty walk to the door.... one last look at how things ended up.... one final goodbye...turn off the light for the last time and close the door. I walk across the hall open my window and sit on the edge of my bed in my new room breathing a sigh of relife that that chore is finnally over.Things are different..things are better and most of all things are turning out amazing for me now. This is what I think about as I fall asleep cat in arms warm and safe in my new room that might as well be on the other side of the world from the empty wasteland left on the other-side of the hall.