Thursday, April 6th, 2006
12:11 pm
Phantoms
I talked with my parents yesterday for the first time in a long while as usual. Finding themselves far removed from my actual life our relationship exists only on a weird phone conversation/see you once a year type of plane. Having never received any words of wisdom per say from my father other than military slang yelled in the early morning hours. Minutes after waking that I worked hard at tuning out my entire childhood and early adolescence as I made my way into the bathroom. It came as a shock to hear him tell me app-on hearing of my planned journey to NYC that I should seize each day and never turn down an opportunity to do something that will make me happy. My dad said this. The king of cynical word speak and insensitive jargon. Making me realize that I have in a way grown up when I wasn't looking. I wish I could share the things that I've done with my dad in a way he would understand words somehow seem to elude me when speaking to him about the fashion and music/promotions industry that I have fallen into. I can tell he is happy for me and I know he on some plane understands some of the things I do. but it is still far away and mostly removed from the ones by my side everyday out here. I wish I could bottle that feeling of finishing my projects for him and send it in a letter just once so he would know Im truly happy now. To set his mind at rest so he would know that Im free from the addictions and trials of adolescence for sure this time. Having watched me struggle as a child and struggle more as a young adult.
"Spending a lifetime looking back wishing you'd done things, he says is the worst feeling to have." I could hear in his voice that he meant it. As I listened to my father wheezing on the other end of the line I couldn't help but think sadly of a time when he might not be there for me to talk to. This makes me want to live for today not only for myself but for him as well. I couldn't help but wonder about the revelations of growing old...the things that you learn only from aging in this crazy world bombarded by entertainment,sex,money,drugs,and humanity in general. Will I look back on my life and wish I had taken more time to do things? WIll I regret the years I spent in dark warehouses getting fucked up and listening to music? Will I be alone? Will I find someone who understands and recluse myself as my dad did with my step-mom? or will I settle scared of dying alone and afraid with someone who doesn't quite suit me as I see so many of my friends doing.
I suppose as oddly as it seems now the world will eventually pass me by as I grow old and out of touch with all the new and up n coming devices and toys of youth. I see it sometimes and love to put myself above it but someday I know I will be on the other end of that telephone line whispering words of encouragement to someone not so unlike myself. I can only hope that I can say that I didn't waste a minute regretting what I haven't done.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: das efx
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