These are entries from my previous hidden thoughts site.
Friday, January 27th, 2006
3:59 pm
Speckled cheeks and the advetures of a knitwear sales whore
Their really is nothing like burning it all down. Watching it burn and rejoicing in its fiery warm exploding glory. Only thing that sucks is having to sift through the ashes when its over and look for whats left of ourselves, our hearts,our friends our minds and our individuality.
Spending a month in a shared home with someone you just dumped is one of these situations. No one understands what the hell is going on, no one understood to begin with which is why you break apart. No one gets a happy ending no matter how hard you try. Compile all the shitty things you did to each other towards the end and you've got one real boiling, ready to burn your ass pot of shit cooking.
In my case I'm stuck with a person devoid of emotions.(or so he claims). Who thinks that there's nothing wrong with screwing your best friend for six months while your together and propisitioning several other of your close friends for sex as well.
If that wasn't enough now we are broken up and he thinks I should be cool with him gathering all of my girlfriends numbers and emails so he can emerse himself more fully into shitheadome once he moves out.This translates into I have to be involved with his sexual adventures once he is outta my home via friends of mine STILL!
Incapable of understanding why Im crying when hes asking for contact info from a friend of mine @ 3am in my living room he tells me I m crazy. " Why are you bugging out?"
How can another human be so stupid? Have you absolutely no heart or brainpower at all?
All I want to do is stab something deep into his penis and watch it bleed out. Maybe then he have some feeling going on inside of him?
So now what? After all the doorslaming at 3am and tears burning down my face, empty places where the furniture used to be and cold sides of the bed, what now? Your not my friend anymore, your not my lover. You don't even understand the simple feat of mantaining common decency till your gone.
I make my way to work with speckled red cheeks from the night spent crying. Eyes soggy, ears ringing with the silence of your lack of communitcation. I feel like a damaged piece of fruit beaten brown by your shitty attitude and actions. But you'll never know.... you'll never know becuase for you and your penis its a new day with new pussy to conquer and smiling empty faces to greet.
Happy and content in your head thinking about you and your penis and how great you are. Self perception is definately warped beyond belife. Its okay because in a few days you'll be gone out into the streets. No home, no girl, no job, no morals and no one to put up with your shit. It rains in San Francisco pretty much untill june so I hope someone is dumb enough to feel sorry for you at some point. You've made me sick with disgust for the male species and anyone stupid enough to fall for your nice guy act that you so cleverly put on. Your a black charred hiding scared person underneath and I hope you never get a chance to be close with another person in your life as you have made it so abundantly clear that you dont want personal interaction that requires any effort with anyone. Just constant blabber and rude comments drunk stumbling and rants about when you were 24. This is your offer to the world as a person. Drunk coked out rants about Boston. That you chant over and over again until people are staring out the windows in boredom waiting for a chance to possibly interject some kind of sense into the conversation.
Join the army or something why don't you aren't they offering staggering amounts of money to idiots with no sense of decency to go over seas and kill things? You'd be perfect, And think about all the great things you could be sticking your penis in.Dont forget about him. At least that way you'd be doing SOMETHING instead of sitting on the couch stuffing your nose full of coke and your mouth full of booze.
Oh wait I forgot dosen't even the army have a statue of limitations on how old you can be? THEY DO and your 28. how sad....your to old to not have it together. boo hoo asshole time to discover yourself before tis too late and your drug addicition and failing liver catch up to you.
What will I be doing you ask? Well since you seem so concerned with who and where I spend my time all of a sudden Ill tell you. Ill be spending my time doing all the things you always put me down for doing. Laughing, and sewing my clothing in my studio. Opening that store Ive been talking about. Because while you were out screwing my friend I was typing up a business plan and canvassing for small business loans. Now that your not sucking up half my money as well Ill be able to go and do pretty much anything I want. Including taking that trip to NYC in may which you'll be pissed about I'm sure but really who gives a shit. Oh are you afraid that I may visit some or YOUR friends in Boston while I'm there? I just might.
My friends will come around again because we don't have to be subjected to your drunk asshole self anymore we will be having more fun than ever.Oh and remember that dj guy that you thought was so cool who lived in my home town? Well turns out he thinks Im pretty cool and hes not to bad himself so I dont see why I shouldnt start seeing him.Hes also 28 but has a careeer and a car and a house all his own. He also knows how to use his mouth and eyes. The house will no longer be littered with your beer cans and bottles of captin morgan, porn and shitty fart smell.My cat will be able to sleep with me again and ill be able to go back to djing without the evil eye of you staring down my back every time I touch a record. Dont forget before we got together I djed more than you. Remember? Nothing makes me happier than the thought of a life without you. A bright and shining future awaits me.....oh yes......oh yes...I can almost feel the sun on my face now!
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Gangstarr
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