Backtracking Updates from afar: I could never explai

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
4:11 pm
I could never explain
You ask me whats wrong?
I think and become quiet...Inside my head I scream at you. On the outside I sit silent. Because I know there is no way to explain to you in words how I feel.
I dont understand myself half the time so how could I ever convey to you whats wrong with me. Youd never understand the turbulant thoughts that ravage through my mind every second of every day. Images songs thoughts ideas sewing needles and pattern making slides, naked flesh wool textures old lovers new lovers dead people.
Mercury is in retro grade again apparently...this is the cop out for spiritual people to blame every wrong thing that happens.
Im constsantly bombarded by sex lies and undecisive people every second of every day..this city never slows down I dont go home to a peacefull enviornment sweetheart I go back into a cement jungle of chaos. You sit in your vineyard and contemplate I roam the sidewalks covered in shit and piss trying to carve out a nich for myself. My expectations of myself are unobtainable and sometimes when your not looking I often think of killing myself. I may smile when I talk to you but inside I scream cry and wish I knew what would make me happy. I find no solice in the achviements Ive had thus far ..I look back and cant remember what good came from them. I m not satisfied with anything. ANYTHING...and that includes you. I can think of about a hundred things Id like you to do at any given moment. You say you will come see me Someday and I break inside. Your joking and probably do plan on coming to see me soon but I hear long bus rides one way to cater to you tastes of freedom and then the cage door slamming shut as I cross back over that bridge into my concrete wasteland.
People want to peice me apart that is why I want to hide...yes im going crazy...yes I ve always been crazy not going been crazy. You dont understand and you never will. My phone rings incessantly but if it didnt I would die. My need for attention surpasses anything Im pretty and I dont feel it. I look at myself and see a worthless do nothing ugly self absorbed girl who will die unsucessful and boring.Im an artist and I supose this is my age old plight. I doesnt make it any eaiser.
I am a girl and irrational as usual these feelings will pass Im sure but right now It seems as though they are here forever.
So I say to you "Nothing" In response to your questions "Nothing is wrong and I have to go."