Backtracking Updates from afar: Lost Something You Cant Replace

Tuesday, June 27th, 2006
11:37 am
Lost Something You Cant Replace
In recent days past I have been hiding. Hiding my lack of interest in this city I live in. Hiding my distrust of everyone and most of all hiding myself from the endless flocks of attention hungry people that populate my life.
I don't want to hide anymore Im tired and bored with keeping my real self separated from my social life. I don't want to be a socialite anymore I could care less about what party we went to last weekend what party were going to this weekend and what drinks you spilled on the girl next to you who your sleeping with or who you cheated with. What color your new BeBe purse is and what time you'll be stopping by the bar. Parties are fun but hardly make up a relationship called friendship. Drinking and going to bars is great but alcohol isn't meant to hold together our social structure! I cant hear you in the bar its too loud.....so when should we talk? When can I get to know you really?
I want genuine people.... are there any in this place? I want to talk about simple things sunshine,cards,chess games,sandwiches,music, planting flowers and fabric colors...loving each other and making the world a better place some way any way we can. My priorities have been skewed in the last year...wasted words and energy on garbled wasted people waiting for any opportunity to lie cheat and steal their way into my good graces. Who are you people I 've just realized I don't really even know any of you. I've been so high and disconcerned with it all that I never bothered to ask...of course we were always so wasted and surrounded by swirling clouds of cell phone jitter and hangover shakes there was never anytime to really get to know each other. Sick of the disrespect and lack of caring surrounding me, I've turned around going down a new path which coincidentally led me right back home. Right back to where I started reminding me that we may live in a city but there's no need to act like the concrete buildings that surround us. It pains me deeply that so many have taken the attitude that nothing matters and life is shit. Under the false impression that its okay to steal cheat and lie to people and then just blow it off, not talk to them for a while. Waiting resurface and smile in their face and act like nothing ever happened months later. Everything you do matters.....every-time you fuck some one over it matters every-time you spew shit out of your mouth to hurt someone else it matters. Every-time you don't care and turn away it matters.
It matters to someone like me who tries their hardest not to let you in because your not worth it anymore. You've scared my very being taught me to hate,sneer,claw and dagger my way to the top and be unhappy. To close off myself and feel trapped. To only let you see what I want you to. Its no way to be a person. I am a silly heart, softee with feeling and sense chasing butterflies and staring into space any chance I get wishing I could interrupt your boring rants about who's who and what's what with candy hearts and naked enthusiasm who wants nothing more than compassionate people I can count on to roll in the grass with, share adventures and laughs that will out number the trials and shitty things that life throws us. If we have that then there is no time to worry now is there?