Backtracking Updates from afar: Another day....in a new way

Monday, April 3rd, 2006
1:21 pm
Another day....in a new way
So once again I find myself at the end of a long weekend....and another week has passed.
This last week will go down as another pre party, party, after party, crashing crashing crashing slow fade to crushing experience. How is it that everything is going so well building up to something in your life and then like everything else its over. The silence is deafening and the people are gone. No swirling girls....no music... and your left there in the lights...just you. Now what? How has this changed anything? what have I learned? Where do I go from here?
The fashion show was an exercise in how horribly unprepared I can be for something and still pull it off. I swear I didn't work hard at all and a few days before the show I started feeling terrible about the whole thing. I know I can do it I know I can make amazing clothing but it seems lately that I've run into a wall creatively. I've lost my zeal...mojo whatever you want to call it. Its just not there anymore. Once I could envision things in my head and they magically came out under the sewing needle. Now I feel like I've tried to put my energy into it whole heartedly and its just not there anymore. Did it go away with the drugs? Was I ever really that talented or was I just high? Will anyone ever tell me the truth about my work? Im surrounded by people who are schooling themselves in fashion design and they all love my work. I tell myself Im doing it for the love of fashion but I really don't love fashion at all. Which is why I started making clothing to do things differently from "fashion" and the normal vision of what your supposed to wear. I wanted clothing that fit me to start and clothing that was unique to me. That I couldn't find in a store. I watched the lights and the dancers at the show I watched the models sashaying down the makeshift runway. I listened to the applause and cheers and was blinded by the flashing lights at the end of the show. I couldn't see anyones face just the shadows of onlookers that are there. The faceless crowds. The people Im promoting to the people I seek approval from everyday. Who are you? Why do I care? I live for the applause and the creative process if I don't have music I feel I will die. I have become a moody artist incapable of feeling compassion and love for others anymore. I locked away in my own head inspired by flesh and movement sound and light. But always on the outside of what I yearn for so badly. Im always the party girl with the pretty dress with the great body and great life and great friends. Never the girlfriend or the one you introduce your parents too. Never the student forever the teacher.
I couldn't wait till the people cleared out and I was able to dance around by myself to my djs music.... I miss the days of being lost in a crowd where no one would bug me about this or that talk nonsense about bullshit I don't care for at me and let me dance. Let me be under the bright lights and hidden behind the smoke and blurred bodies moving in unison. Free for a moment from the troubles problems this life brings to us.
The girls were beautiful the clothes looked fine ...booze was flowing ...sales were up...everything was great. I am still not satisfied. When do I rest a satisfied person? Is it possible or am I reaching for unattainable goals?
These are the questions...who knows if there is an answer?

I watch as everything crumbles back into place. My date wants me to be monogamous again. Im infatuated with a harlot who is a complete mess...and Im seeing a producer that is a musical genius...to be monogamous Id have to give up my life as a city dweller and dwell in the city as a bystander. Unable to go out and mingle anymore Id be stuck...with a boyfriend who lives miles away. In a city that lives and breathes sex,drugs, and rock n roll.... He Who wants to settle and get his life together....and me far from settling and far from together. Funny because he thinks he wants to be my boyfriend and he doesn't even really know me. My harlot wants me to be part of her fantasy tripod relationship. Which to say the least is just silly. If jealously didn't kill us some rampant disease would Im sure. Situations of this type only sound like a good idea. Her sad face makes me want to go straight sometimes. I can see her shredded self confidence and low self esteem from a mile away...unfortunately I think thats what makes her so damn attractive to me. I want to fix her and help her deep down knowing its a lost cause. then the producer...who plays music like I've always dreamed I may one day be able to.... but kisses like a 6th grade school boy. A true artist like myself locked away in his thoughts so much that he's neglected girls and anything related to us to the point that he's sadly naive to the workings of the female charm. I could break him and I know it.....damage the very thing that makes me happy is what I seem to be great at. I ve already fucked things up with him I fear by sleeping with him way to soon. Sex cant make a relationship anymore like when we were in high school....and I fear I was just doing it to prove to myself I could. Not that it was much of a challenge just new and different. So here I sit with three options on the table or the fourth to simply choose non and walk away into the sunset on to another day....and another way...what happens now... Im off to NYC and the great unknown...we shall see how I feel when I get back.

Travel...freedom of soul.
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12:04 pm
Broken
I did nothing saturday night after work on purpose. I was playing a little game I call ignore humanity...unfortunately in this day and age with little ringing devices and chiming message tones you cant hide for very long.
So 1130 on sunday morning finds me standing in the rain preparing to board a 6 person pedal driven surrey bike appon the request of my friend for his birthday. Object of surrey bike mission is to find every stupid thing on scavenger hunt list. Including but not limited to Buffalo patties ( yes thats shit yall) and live animals. Scavenger hunt conveniently ends at a bar so after an hour or so of off roading,huffing up hill and screaming downhill you get to drink to celebrate. We parked our 5 surreys in between unsuspecting vehicles and whooped into the bar created our human pyramid(scavenger hunt item ..4) and took shots. This would've been a great idea had we not had to continue the ride to another bar down the street. Drunk driving is dangerous as is, imagine the possibilities of a six person open air surrey bike with drunk people strapped on to the front basket, back and sides. Bike riders in tow and chinese passer byers gawking in horror as we bail through intersections at full speed ringing our bike bell and yelling. It is after-all illegal to take the bikes outta the park and unusual to see 5 surreys loaded to the gills with drunk youngsters wailing through sunday traffic. We made it barely to the corner of the next destination just in time to swing around the corner into the muni bus stop. Surrey bikes don't move very fast so as the glass was breaking we were trying to make our getaway. Moving slowly from the scene of the crime passengers bleeding from glass induced injuries and laughing hysterically at a whopping 1 mile an hour. Busting up public property never felt so good. The surrey was fine except for all the glass on the top and stuck in the wheels and all parties except one suffered no injuries. The crash was tremendous and the get away was hilarious I cant wait till next year!