Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006
11:54 am
Phantoms
Im so confused at this junctour in my life. I feel like a paper star attached to a string hanging from a giant flagpole atop the empire state. Twirling twisting and continually tring to stay compsed as the wind whaps me around.
There is so much good going on right now its hard to hold in. My love life has blossomed into a full blown flowering plant over night. From the dead leafless bush it had been for going on a year. Smiles and grassy afternoons populate my mind sandwiches and talk of tommorrow blaze through when Id lost all faith. Shades of blue linger around the edges however as talk of my besexuality once again rears its head.Comfortablitity in love is such a hard thing to come by. Why wont anyone understand the way my ever wandering mind works. Just when you think everything is great and youve found someone who might possibly be able to understand your crazy fucked up way of thinking you ease up and get comfortable just in time to see them edging away from you back into the mist where they came from.This terrifies me more than anything....the thought of fucking things up for a girl again is totally not a spot I want to be in. Thoughts of the straight life once again linger in my head. Ive been there I know the happiness that is normal. I guess its just a matter of asking myself if that is what I want again.Is it? How do I train myself to ignore the eye spasms when a pretty girl walks by or the need to touch soft smelly skin late at night?If your straight and have never experinced anything different how do you know its not for you?
Sitting down to a meal with 7 close friends eating food we all helped to cook conversating about the events of the day..I look around and realize that no matter what I decide bi straight or otherwise Ill always have some that on one level or another understand me and love me regardless.
So with that I missed my bus this morning and walked up the hill to work....made it to the top of the hill at exactly the same time the bus did. Felt the burn in my legs butt and mind and watched in horror as my Ipod flickered low battery and turned off. Forced to walk the rest of the way with no song I listened to my heels click sharply on the pavement. The sun was shining over the hill onto me and the street in front of my workplace I glanced over my shoulder out onto the bay and wondered about the existance of life in tokyo.
Another day another dollar and strange wonderings.
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Block Party-Tulips
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