I found it impossible today to pry myself from the clammy grasp of my bed. My feet hit the floor with a resounding echoing thud, my usual pitter patter a clomp towards the bathroom. My body a million pounds of skin, hair and teeth all piled on top of my cold and empty insides.
I went through the motions today, pretending to be "okay" and happy because I know that's what the world requires. No ones a sour apple, or grape or sour anything otherwise. Always project your happiness onto others like a disease. Don't let them sense your weakness or your world will crumble around you as people flee in terror.
I made my way to work, feeling naked and so very alone. Thinking about how little this whole drama effects you miles away. Wondering if you pass by signs of me as I pass by a million of you. I answer the phone, and listen halfway...watching my screen for signs of you that never come. You really are quite heartless, pulling your love out from under me like a circus act, not spilling one precious piece of china from the elaborately set table we made.
Lunch time comes and the sun is blinding, I sit and attempt to read but thoughts of you creep into my stomach and rob me of any feelings of hunger. I sit in the baking sun, smelling the acrid stench of San Francisco and watching the trucks and bikes rush past. In a bubble...removed from the world around me waiting for something to smack me back into reality. Before I know it the hour is done, and my icee beverage has melted into a puddle in front of me. I clamber back to my desk and sit...helping, listening wondering. All the while a million miles away.
I take a long walk home, pathetically checking my phone. Hoping, wishing, but knowing I will never hear from you again. You will fade like so many things into a sun stained picture in an album I run across years from now. A bracelet, a necklace, a bottle of sand. Reminders of you still lurk, landmines now of pain and anguish. I think about the card I sent and the necklace in the mail...slowly inching ever closer to you even now. I can see you tossing them aside and scoffing at my penned I love you. So childish now and wasted on you.
You are a closed door, a sailing ghost ship...no one good enough to last on your crew. I remember the sunsets and the water, waking up in the trees with a humid sweat already formed on our bodies clasped together. Thinking back I can see you a million miles away as I try and real you in. I was just a passing piece of flesh, another person who didn't understand. How sad for you to never see the way others see you...standing there so proud as you are a man. So proud and stubborn...and stuck in your ways refusing to try, and make a change. Refusing to understand, and instead leaving running a lost soul on the lam.
You never fooled me and I suspect you always knew...I could see right through you into the vast lost emptiness of you. I tried to fill you up with happy thoughts and laughter but you resisted at every turn. Clinging to your petty issues and arguments like the last remains of your sinking ship. You were no chameleon, no adaptation did not reside in you. With all the traveling you are still frightened of the new, and running like a cowardly soul from the past. I watched the sun set on us.....what a clouded mess it was. From beauty and potential to the vast unknown and empty.
As I rounded that corner and the sun hit my eyes...I realized I will be happy...moving into the sky. You will stay in your prison and keep searching for answers there. All the while we keep beckoning to reach out and be pulled to shore. There is no evil here on the shore, no lies or discontent. Just happiness and love which you were to proud to represent.
So Ill leave you there, another one I could not help repair. Ill hope you will find me here some day or out there in the world. I wont be in the same house and I wont be walking sad...maybe youll forget me? The life we never had.
Its never a good time to say goodbye, and its hard to pack it in. Life had so much beauty for us, and now we begin again.
I made it home today feeling like Id been through a war, clinging to each passerbyers smile for dear life. Treading water, hoping the tears did not win. Each day will get easier, I hope as your memory fades to gone.
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