Leaving....not caring and other refuges for the scared.

I found it impossible today to pry myself from the clammy grasp of my bed. My feet hit the floor with a resounding echoing thud, my usual pitter patter a clomp towards the bathroom. My body a million pounds of skin, hair and teeth all piled on top of my cold and empty insides.

I went through the motions today, pretending to be "okay" and happy because I know that's what the world requires. No ones a sour apple, or grape or sour anything otherwise. Always project your happiness onto others like a disease. Don't let them sense your weakness or your world will crumble around you as people flee in terror.

I made my way to work, feeling naked and so very alone. Thinking about how little this whole drama effects you miles away. Wondering if you pass by signs of me as I pass by a million of you. I answer the phone, and listen halfway...watching my screen for signs of you that never come. You really are quite heartless, pulling your love out from under me like a circus act, not spilling one precious piece of china from the elaborately set table we made.

Lunch time comes and the sun is blinding, I sit and attempt to read but thoughts of you creep into my stomach and rob me of any feelings of hunger. I sit in the baking sun, smelling the acrid stench of San Francisco and watching the trucks and bikes rush past. In a bubble...removed from the world around me waiting for something to smack me back into reality. Before I know it the hour is done, and my icee beverage has melted into a puddle in front of me. I clamber back to my desk and sit...helping, listening wondering. All the while a million miles away.

I take a long walk home, pathetically checking my phone. Hoping, wishing, but knowing I will never hear from you again. You will fade like so many things into a sun stained picture in an album I run across years from now. A bracelet, a necklace, a bottle of sand. Reminders of you still lurk, landmines now of pain and anguish. I think about the card I sent and the necklace in the mail...slowly inching ever closer to you even now. I can see you tossing them aside and scoffing at my penned I love you. So childish now and wasted on you.

You are a closed door, a sailing ghost ship...no one good enough to last on your crew. I remember the sunsets and the water, waking up in the trees with a humid sweat already formed on our bodies clasped together. Thinking back I can see you a million miles away as I try and real you in. I was just a passing piece of flesh, another person who didn't understand. How sad for you to never see the way others see you...standing there so proud as you are a man. So proud and stubborn...and stuck in your ways refusing to try, and make a change. Refusing to understand, and instead leaving running a lost soul on the lam.

You never fooled me and I suspect you always knew...I could see right through you into the vast lost emptiness of you. I tried to fill you up with happy thoughts and laughter but you resisted at every turn. Clinging to your petty issues and arguments like the last remains of your sinking ship. You were no chameleon, no adaptation did not reside in you. With all the traveling you are still frightened of the new, and running like a cowardly soul from the past. I watched the sun set on us.....what a clouded mess it was. From beauty and potential to the vast unknown and empty.

As I rounded that corner and the sun hit my eyes...I realized I will be happy...moving into the sky. You will stay in your prison and keep searching for answers there. All the while we keep beckoning to reach out and be pulled to shore. There is no evil here on the shore, no lies or discontent. Just happiness and love which you were to proud to represent.

So Ill leave you there, another one I could not help repair. Ill hope you will find me here some day or out there in the world. I wont be in the same house and I wont be walking sad...maybe youll forget me? The life we never had.

Its never a good time to say goodbye, and its hard to pack it in. Life had so much beauty for us, and now we begin again.

I made it home today feeling like Id been through a war, clinging to each passerbyers smile for dear life. Treading water, hoping the tears did not win. Each day will get easier, I hope as your memory fades to gone.

Sentimental Time Warp Mock Three

A life less stressed. I'm tired of all this talk about stress, stress management, stress release, herbal stress remedies and everything else related to lowering your blood pressure and remaining calm. Lets all face it there unfortunately is a certain level of stress your going to have to deal with just being alive. Handling your day to day life, is at times going to be random, unexpected, upsetting and strange. Life will without a doubt throw you curve balls, sideways balls and underhand low blows when you least expect it. None of this can be avoided, all you can do is live in a positive way and do your best to prepare for the inevitable times you will be called apon to react in a mellow and controlled or not so controlled way to whatever you are manifesting at the time. Relationships while enjoyable fall into this endless void of confusion, a place where stress can easily dominate the landscape if two people are not in complete agreement at all times. (this notion of complete agreement by the way is absolutely insane and not logical at all) Relationships translate very simply into work. Another relm of potential failure and success. Of dice rolls and choices, situations and outcomes. While we may try and get along as much as possible the inevitable misunderstanding or tense moment is going to pop up. How then should we proceed? Are you an arguer? Taking every chance to escalate the issue to a screaming match in public for all to see. Are you a stubborn passive agressive....with little to contribute but alot to hold against people in the private corners of your mind. Scared of possible rejection and heart break, so you cautiously do your best to accommodate your partner and end up a door matt in the end...someone the other cannot stand to look at, and disrespected at every turn. Maybe you are the abuser in your relationships, taking all you can without a thought about the other person. It seems in this game the lovers are so clearly doomed, why would anyone try? The odds stacked high as the skyscrapers in opposition to your simple plan of happiness. How then is it possible to remove the stress factor from this dance of love? Love is a tightrope bellydance of compromise and continuous humility. Even the basics of relationships require you to spend a good majority of the time thinking outside of your bubble and doing for someone else. You have to be ready to test the waters and retreat to your safety zone for comfort if necessary, stand the judgements of another person into even your most personal of spaces and accommodate and acclimate your own views, beliefs and habits to mesh with another. Seamlessly. Stressfree, and at just the right time. A bit like a jigzaw puzzle, you test the pieces, you find a fit...then realize that piece while it looked right and it fit...actually belongs on the other side of the board. All the chances to fuck things up really put pressure on people, and then god knows how you will act. Adding pressure to anything will cause an explosion. So why then do people still have the unrealistic and completely unfounded belief that Mr. Right or Mrs. Right is simply going to fall out of the sky perfectly matched and synced with your life ready to rock and roll into forever without a hitch? The cinderella stories and sleeping beauty rif raff have infected us. Love is work, work is love, and in the end there is a fair amount of grief, strife, stress and embarrassment that comes along with merging yourself with another. No matter how well adjusted you may think yourself to be. If you happen to communicate, (which by the way men and women are known to have completely different ways of communicating their emotions to each other) your at least one foot down the right path. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who cant find the time to speak to you about their thoughts, dreams or ambitions. If you can manage at moments of trouble to calm down and see things from a different point of view you can also pat yourself on the back. You have a chance! If when a problem arises you can find it in yourself to just handle it, instead of placing blame. Your leaping ahead and avoiding the blame game prime time victim show with your partner. Apologize, take responsibility, and find a solution, instead of wasting time arguing about it or placing blame. Placing the blame only furthers the issue and nothing was ever solved by playing whos fault is it. Let it go...if you've argued over something more than once and you've come to a solution or a plan of action moving forward. Stick to it, remember you talked about this. Move on....don't go bringing that shit up again in a few months. There really is no point. You talked about it....your still together....you'll find a way...or your out. Either way...beating dead horses never brought them back to life. Get over it or get lost. Stress is unavoidable at times, and yes its unpleasant. No one wants it its unfortunately a bi product of living. You learn to manage it, and breathe, let things go and move on. Ebb with the tides and flow with the rivers, and hopefully let the little things go as to not effect the bigger picture. I don't cheat, I do my best to be honest and give supportive feedback and loving words. I wouldn't leave you, take your money or ask you to buy me things. I wouldn't bad mouth you to my friends or yours, I can communicate in a rational and adult manner. I hate to argue, and hold grudges.....so where.... and why do I keep running to so much opposition? Is it too much to ask universe? For a simple man? someone to pull out a chair and fix my sink when it needs it. To help me paint, and fix my car. To eat the food I cook, and sleep beside me in my bed. Someone who will let me do their laundry and wash their dishes after dinner.

Eargasim....times ten...

There is music.....that you either love or hate.....but when you love it....its pretty amazing experience.